What do I want? I want it all. This year I am going to get it, too. It is January third; the third day of a new year. Every year at this time I tell myself that I will be better. I am not just talking about losing weight or quitting smoking. It is always way more than that to me. It is being better at everything. It is not being better, I want to be perfect. Organizing my junk is on the list sometimes. Sending birthday cards to everyone; not just family, but old friends that will be surprised I even still think of them. This year is going to be different. This year I am not going to wake up and it be July and remember that I kept none of my resolutions. I am really going to try and be a better person. I have decided this, if I am a better person, there will be more in it for me. I have gone through many years feeling sorry for myself, because those around me act as if I don't deserve as much as they do. Well that is my fault; I don't let anyone know that I think I deserve. I am going to ask for what I want. I can get this by earning the respect I deserve, by being better person. It is true I know you have to earn it, and I will. I really am as nice and un-selfish as my personality reflects. My resolutions are to help and visit more. I want to let the people in my life know that I am still here and ready to find the self satisfaction others have, by knowing I am just as good as anyone. There really is an old Garner saying, "I am as good as anyone and better than some." Another one that may not be a Garner saying, but sure sounds like one, "I wish I could buy him for what he is worth, and sell him for what he thinks he is worth." That is a little mean, but still funny and true at the same time. I can be mean.
I really think mean is funny sometimes. I can be mean in a way that most people don't even pick up on it. I really don't like to be called dumb or stupid; my favorite response to that is, "I don't see your ass doing any tricks." It is a secret-self-satisfaction kind of mean that I get the pleasure from. There is a bad mean that just comes out every now and then. I don't have to really work to hard at it; usually it is not really pretty; "Go Nanny on 'em.", Nanny, being Mama and Crazy, being the Going Part of it.
I have always thought I was crazy, because my grandmother said I was going to be. Really what defines crazy? My daughter told her 4 month old, "yes, Preslie Granma is for real, and she is really that silly." Well what should I have expected; I am talking like Donald Duck, getting a little baby to laugh. There is crazy, 400 ward crazy, and then there is doing crazy things to amuse others. I gathered that to have you have to gather what you want; you have to let others know how to treat you. Christmas came and went just like it does every year. This Christmas I did not put the effort I always do into it. This year was the first year that my kids did not sleep in the same house that Santa has visited for 29 years. Two of them have baby girls of their own for Santa to bring toys to. The third girl of mine decided that it was ok that Santa did not come this year. "After all Moms, how many almost thirty year olds are there that still hunt the yard for Easter Baskets? This tradition was still alive in 2012. I hide the baskets in the yard and my adult children hunt them. This past Easter I hid 'My' a new fish in the pond; took him almost a month to notice there was a new white Koi swimming with the others. Casper was his name.
Christmas Eve my three girls and I cried on speaker phone that this would be the first year we had not watched, it’s a Wonderful Life, the night before Santa Came. We reminisced about Christmas' past; the nights that they heard our friends helping put out the Santa Presents. Jessica knew; I didn't know she knew that Tony was the Santa letter writer. The older girls knew, but the baby, Malorie didn't that the red light on the radio tower wasn't really Rudolf's red nose. Setting the stage for the yearly visit from Santa was a huge production to me. From the half eaten cookies to the carrots that Dancer and them left in the front yard. There was always adult Christmas Cheer that could explain how the carrots were pee-ed on once. I will not go into that, our friend may not want that story told. Life is good, but maybe it was a tad bit better then. I am looking forward to the traditions that they gathered from me. This is going to be my year. A year of doing what I need to. The year will be a year of doing what I want to. I am going to savor every minute with the people that love me. I am going to make the new members to our family know that they have the best Granma ever. My happy year, because I am going to make it be.
List of What I want: