May 6, 2011
I would say that I wanted to be a mom my mama wasn't to me. That is not true at all as I begin to think really what she did do for me. She did what she could. She did everything I asked her. She walked to the store many times to get me a coke or something. All of her life she liked to walk where she had to go. I loved her regardless of what she did not do for me. She had herself to help. The way she was treated by everyone around her was enough to make anyone think of anything else. She had to live up to the label that she had been given. She loved my brother more than any mother could love a child. "He's my baby," I can still hear her saying it.
I am such a jeolous person that my mother-in-law rearing my girls all the time would have made me crazy. I really got upset one time when a friend of my mother-in-law gave her a picture of my youngest daughter to her instead of me. It is understandable to me how Mama stayed so upset alot of the time. Someone had taken her place. Maybe a place she could not totally fill, yet it had to hurt her. There was nothing else Mama could do. She had no other choice. Daddy had chosen for us to live there with grandmother. Truth be known she was stronger and smarter than anyone around her. She took all the insults more than anyone deserved. It takes a big person to be picked on and not fight back. She did at times go off, when she had taken more than a body deserved. She let it mount till she just lost it. I am that way to a certain extent. I pride myself in not getting angry often, but when I do, look out.
Mama proved to everyone if she had to she could. When we were kicked out of the house up north. She took the job and saved. She saw that my brother and I had what we needed. It may have been better if she was left to make it on her own. She may have stepped up. Alone she did not have to be verbally abused.
Washing dishes was one job Mama and me were to do together. The rest would go into the livingroom to watch TV, leaving us to do the dishes. I hated washing dishes, always have and always will. She was tagged as nothing but lazy by all. That to me is wrong now, but that is what good mama's do. They do things for you. Not making me help wash the dishes was her way of being a good mom. She really did try and I can relate; when someone makes you so nervous it is hard to do anything right.