April 22, 2011

Understanding Alabama

Southern Culture on the Skids Poster & handbill

First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...
Burminham; Huntsvul; Mobeeeel
Driving Information:
Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with
the loudest exhaust goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest
tires goes after that.
Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.
To find anything in Burminham, it is required that you know
where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the
beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf formation'
interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid
enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber
than we are.
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If
the term 'merging delays' is ever used by the person reporting the traffic,
even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least
30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute..
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)
rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male
and female drivers alike.
You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.
They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We
think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage
visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.
Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football
weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it
is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going
anywhere else.
Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a
little more interesting.
If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the
shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was
'accidentally activated'.
The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph..
Anything less is considered downright sissy.
This is also Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR --
especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city
is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only
going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be
'flipped a bird' accordingly.
Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who
is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and
maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming
from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south
of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
Weather Information:
If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If
it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Burminham
residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the
roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you
could be the next target.
Seasonal Information:
If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next
to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper
body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.
If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.
General Information:
Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama '
unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and
will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who
gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I
didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').
Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city of
Burminham. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.
If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you,
'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite,
Dr.Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.
All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese
restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama ..
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one's seen before.  If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy. People actually grow and eat okra. 'Fixinto' is one word..
There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you. DGeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. You measure distance in minutes. You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite pass time.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinking driver's ed .... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

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