Gathering Life: Joke Break

August 5, 2011

Joke Break

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?""Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough - I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife."That's his mistress," says her husband."Ours is prettier," she replies......

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Cool Weekend Remember My Chilli

3 pounds ground beef
2 large onions
3 chopped celery stalks
1 chopped garlic clove
1/2 cup bell peppers chopped
1 can chicken broth
1 can beef broth
2 cans rotel chili fixin's
2 cans chili style diced tomatos
3 cans of dark red kidney beans
2 packs McCormick Chili seasoning
Palm full of salt-----Palm full of pepper---Palm full of sugar
Splash of vinegar---Tlbs. or so
Brown ground beef, onion, celery and bell peppers together. Drain Fat
Pour the rest of the stuff in in order listed above except the beans.
Simmer slowly a couple hours or more, then add the dark red kidney beans.

Audrey Hepburn Beauty Secrets

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Food Memories

The Pigs were part of our food memories. They provided our sauage for breakfast. The lard we used to cook with. The best meal in the world was the tenderloin with gravy and biscuits. This meal was always what we had the night the pigs were killed. Imagine the pig was all over the kitchen a couple of hours before, then you ate it for supper. His head was even on a sheet in the floor most of the day.We all have memories that are associated with food. There are places that I return to from my past, that I actually get hungry pulling in the driveway. My grandmother was a simple cook. Salt, pepper and lard/fat was her seasoning. She did use sage in dressing. She used too much sage in her dressing. We planted watermelons in the rows that the planter skipped on the Mandy Farm. The Mandy Farm was our cotton patch. The rows were one quarter of a mile long. We planted two rows in water melon; that's a half of mile of watermelon. We could eat water melon the fun way, get your own half and spoon it out. We also dried apples on the barn top and car shed. The roofs were tin so they got very hot and dried the apples quickly. Grandmother's version of a fried apple pie was not fried. She made the turnover and baked it in the oven. This to her was a way to not waste the grease. She buttered them when they came out of the oven. I still think this way is better.

Old Wives' Tales

An old wives' tale is a type of urban legend, similar to a proverb, which is generally passed down by old wives to a younger generation. Such 'tales' usually consist of superstition.

My Grandparents had many of them. I have passed them along to my daughters. Saturday night one of them mentioned this one. Giving me the satisfaction that they had listened to things I truely want to pass on to them. Keeping the wonderful things we recieve from our ancestors.

Bad Luck Wives Tales

*An owl hooting three times in a row.

*Spilling salt – this one can be redeemed by grabbing some of the salt and throwing it over your left shoulder. This is believed to be the way in which to throw the salt into the eyes of the evil spirits that are lying in wait.

*A five leaf clover.

*Putting your shirt on wrong side out.

*A rooster crowing at night.

*Never get out of bed with your left foot first or you will have bad luck all day.

*Breaking a mirror will bring on 7 years of bad luck.

*Singing before breakfast .

*Opening an umbrella inside the house is sure to bring bad luck to the entire household.

Joke of the Day

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.' He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.' She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.' He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.' She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.' He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?'' She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.'

Watermelon Facts

*Not only does it quench your thirst, it can also quench inflammation.

*Over 1,200 varieties of watermelon are grown worldwide.

*Watermelon is an ideal health food because it doesn’t contain any fat or cholesterol.

*Pink watermelon is also a source of the potent

*There are yellow and pink watermelons.

*Early explorers used watermelons as canteens.

*Watermelon is grown in over 96 countries worldwide.

*In China and Japan watermelon is a popular gift to bring a host.

*In Israel and Egypt, the sweet taste is often paired with the salty taste of feta cheese. Every part of a watermelon is edible, even the seeds and rinds.

They Said It

"When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." ~~~Joyce Brothers

"Worry is a heavy load, but a kind word cheers you up."~~~ Proverbs 12:25

"If we should live a thousand years, our time is all today, today."~~~James Mongomery

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis

"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. ~Antoine de Saint-

"Don't wait for the Last Judgment. It happens every day. ~Albert Camus
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Gathering Life

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August 5, 2011

Joke Break

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